The History of War, Part 1: Pre-Combat.

People are whores.

Shit's been like that since Eve bussed it open for an apple. I'm not sayin the snake hit cuz that would just be weird, but Eve giving up eternal life and getting herself and all future generations sentenced to an eternity of damnation (before Jesus did his whole Jesus thing) for a bite of an apple was kinda equivalent to "Let me just put the tip in..." after few shots. It all goes downhill from there.

So in today's society, sex is our apple. We fuckin love apples.

And ever since our first apple/pussy/dick (whatever your vice is), we haven't been the same. Motives changed. Or rather, a motive was added.  Most of us moderate self-esteem having humans, no matter what age, are motivated by self, with outside motivation from family, friends, and money. But our first sexual encounter created a motive that dominates the rest of our lives. Yes, we're still motivated by the need to be secure (financially, physically, psychologically) and make sure our friends and families are happy, but the need to bust a nut is a completely seperate motivation.

Now masturbation is great and all, but most of us would prefer someone else be there to help us get our nut. And in order to get somebody to help us out, we kinda have to help them or demonstrate an ability to help them first.

Here's where the war begins.

I generalized the "you help me, I help you" aspect, because the degree to which we have to help them is all based on leverage and assets.

Basically, the more you have already, the easier it is to get some sex.

In some cases, its as simple as having a vagina.  Studies show that having a vagina is 98% effective in getting sex.  Because 18% of dudes will fuck 100% of any available vagina, regardless of other assets, tangible or intangible.

If you have a vagina, and you're in the 2% ineffective category, skip this next part, unlucky bitch.

If you're a woman and you happen to encounter one of the 82% of us that don't want your vagina just cuz it's there, or you have a penis (which doesn't seem to guarantee cheeks on its own) it would be in your favor to have at least one of the following:

Healthy body: Don't be obese. Don't have your ribcage poking out. Some people prefer chubsters. Some people prefer athletic builds. But just don't be a burger or missed meal away from death.

Ass and titties: I'm gonna be a neanderthal for a moment. And clearly this only applies to women. A nice round, proportionate ass will cut that 82% of dudes with standards down to about 61%. A strong B cup or a C cup will cut it down from 82% to 70%. If you have both, you're down to about 50% of dudes who still wouldn't hit off ass and titties alone.

Attractiveness: Everybody's opinion on this is different. If your teeth and eyes are pretty, your skin is all one color (preferably no darker than mine), and your hair looks good, I can probably get past a moderately misshaped nose and still invite you over for "Netflix". Some dudes can't. And some dudes don't care if you have zits or a slum weave. To each his own. Women are generally more open to still letting an ugly guy hit as long as they have some feature they like.

Money: Underrated topic when it comes to women. Because some dudes don't care if you're broke or unemployed. Shit. I don't either. I'll still fuck an unemployed bitch if she's attractive and well-kept. But it probably won't go much further than that. Women in general aren't as forgiving. Some don't care if you're broke as long as you have a car. And some want that car to be at least a '93 Civic while others want it to be a Maybach. Whatever. But either way...just don't be completely without money.

Now if all of those aren't enough to get you a fuck at first sight, which is extremely optimistic, then you have to engage in combat. Mind against mind. Motive against motive.

Stay Tuned for The History of War, Part 2: The Game.

How I Rolled Back Walmart's Prices

(DISCLAIMER: YOU MAY NEED TO READ THIS TWICE TO FULLY UNDERSTAND HOW THOROUGH I WAS)

Free.

Nobody want's to pay full price for anything. Consequently, there's a hustle for everything.

If you need it, get it. Cuz if I need it, Imma get it. If you don't believe me, keep reading.

In Fall 2006, I was a 19 year old student w/ an apartment, a car, and no job. Paying rent and getting the car were easy. I stacked bread that whole summer. Paid 5 months rent up front and cash for the car. I was content. Ballin a lil bit. The refrigerator always had food. My passenger seat always had a young lady.

But after Homecoming (Oct '06) my pockets were thinning. My contacts list wasn't. I couldn't maintain my lifestyle @ the time w/ the money I had @ the time. Around that same time, a friend asked me to take her to return something to Walmart. She didn't have a receipt so they asked her for ID, they typed it in, and gave her a gift card. It took maybe 7 mins. She gave me $5 off the card and I used it @ the Walmart gas station.


It went like this: Return, gift card, gas...remember that.

Rather than waste time explaining my thought process, I'll just say what happened the next day.

Woke up @ like 8 or 9...went straight to Walmart. It was right across the street from my apartment. I looked for the most expensive blender I could find on the shelves and took it to customer service to return it, knowing I never paid for it. The blender was like $47.

Cashier: "Where's the pink sticker? Do you have the receipt?"

(Found out from that statement that those door greeter people also gave out stickers for people returning merchandise.)

Me: "No ma'am. I bought it for my mom's birthday but somebody else got her one too. I threw the receipt away."

Cashier: "Okay. I can't give you cash cuz you don't have a receipt but I can give you store credit"

Me (tryna sound sad): "I guess that's okay"

Cashier: "Can I see your ID?"

I handed her my ID, she scanned the blender and w/ tax it came up to like 52-something. She had to call a manager. Found out that if something is over $50 after tax it can't be returned w/o a receipt. But the manager gave an override.

I got a $52 Walmart gift card for free.

I went straight to the gas station after that. My car only needed $25 of it. Went back inside Walmart and spent the rest on dumb shit like Cup o' Noodles and Frosted Flakes.

But I got a $52 Walmart gift card for FREE.

I went in the house, put the dumb shit I bought away, and got dressed for the day. Wholetime I'm thinking "Return. Gift card. Gas." It was the easiest $52 ever. Of course it wasn't cash, but as a 19 year old college student, $52 went a long way @ Walmart.

I had to do it again.

I went back when I got out of my last class. Figured it would be a new shift by then. This time, I'm one trip smarter. I had a Nextel @ the time and I took the battery out. On the back of the battery was a barcode. I went inside the Walmart and told the greeter I wanted to return it, casually pointing to the barcode so that they would believe it was a Walmart item. They put the sticker on the battery. I pretended to walk to Customer Service then made a sharp right through the isles to the section w/ the blenders.

I repeated the "return, gift card, gas" routine. But this time I had a $44 blender that came up to $47 w/ tax. I still returned it. Still got my gift card.

But my tank was full. So I called my roommate and asked what he was tryna eat for dinner. He said "Steak and shrimp would be ji lovely". I bussed out laughin. I was like "Son...that's somethin I would buy if bitches was comin over". Then he said "Soooo call some bitches over. Fuck is wrong w/ you?"

Fuck was wrong w/ me?

Not a damn thing. So I called this girl and asked her to come to Walmart w/ me and told her I was making dinner later. Walmart is the place to be in NC. And she was a college student too, so she would never turn down a free meal. We went to Walmart, I picked up 6 steaks, a big bag of shrimp, some seasonings, and orange juice.

"Ooooo...you should make mimosas!"

The girl was 21 or 22, I believe. And Walmart sold champagne. So I picked that up too and let the girl pay for it w/ the gift card. I went home. By then my roommate had a girl over there and they were all ready to eat. I cooked. We ate good. The girls pretended to be drunk off the 2 mimosas they had so we took them to our separate rooms...

Knockdown.

In one day, I got over $90 worth of Walmart gift cards and made a healthy contribution to my gas tank, my stomach, and my body count.

Walmart only let's you return stuff w/ no receipt three times a year. I was already @ two. So I called the same girl and asked her to come to Walmart w/ me about a week later. She returned a blender, used her ID, and got the gift card.

Got that off her immediately.

Repeated this process w/ different females and @ different Walmarts in the Greensboro area for the next 2 years. Probably filled up my tank AT LEAST 15 times for free. Took trips from Greensboro to back home w/ free gas. Ate steak and shrimp, eggs and waffles, Digiorno's pizzas, Coronas...anything me or my roommates wanted...for FREE. One time I made spaghetti, fettucini, and veal just because it sounded tight...I don't even fuck w/ baby cows like that.

Never gave bitches a penny off the gift cards but my female friends got blessed w/ a few dollars or some food for their dorm.

Walmart got hip somewhere w/in that 2 years. Instead of giving pink stickers, they started scanning the stuff and putting sticker labels on it. That means the Nextel battery trick wouldn't work.

I got around that. Don't even feel like explaining how. And by the time they made that policy change, I was already working again so I didn't need to do it as frequently. When I did need to do it, I did it.

I've never told this story to anyone other than people I TRULY fucked w/. I couldn't risk everybody doing it and Walmart getting completely hip.

But yea...that's how I rolled back Walmart's prices.

A Letter To A Body I Can't Remember...

Dear Courtney,

Or Crystal...I don't remember.

I'm pretty sure it was Courtney though cuz I don't believe I've ever fucked a "C" Crystal...only "K" Krystal and "K" Krystle. Lol if you're reading this, wassup Krystal? And if you're reading this, fuck you Krystle...weak pussy havin fluffy faced bitch.
I've digressed.

Anywho, I don't remember your face. I hope you were cute though. Just
for my credibility's sake. My man said you were badd so imma just go
w/ that.



All I know for sure is that w/ you, I had the best sex I ever didn't
remember having. I mean, I remember having it...but its all vague. My
most vivid memories are you falling off the bed mid-dougie and the
bomb ass head that made rounds 3 and 4 possible. You honestly deserved
head in return, but @ 20, I wasn't rockin like that.

You were phat as shit too.

I was so proud of myself watching you get up the next morning and
putting on those jeans that made me bring your ass home in the first
place.

God bless those jeans.

Oh, and I remember that "Orlando" tattoo on your lower back.
*snickers* Yall still together?

Once again...I digress. Back to those 4 rounds.


Thank you for forgiving the tap out in round 1. It had ummm...been a
while or whatever. And I wish I could remember enough about the other
3 rounds to truly tell you how great you were.

How do I know you were great if I don't remember it?

I had a 3 pack of condoms that night. I found 2 in my trashcan the
next day and one somewhere in the vicinity of the trashcan.

But there were 4 rounds.

...I got tested. We're good.

4 rounds means I was tryna prove a point. Mainly I wanted to see if my
aim was good enough to land 30 million X and Y chromosomes on that
"Orlando" tattoo. But I was out of juice. That last nut actually hurt.

Maybe you weren't that great. Maybe I'm just associating the bomb ass
head w/ the intercourse. The head didn't even make me cum though, so
idk.

Why me, Courtney? Yea we were drunk, but I was still relatively sober
when you asked your friend for permission to leave her. You were
talkin all that shit and you wanted her to stop you.

She didn't.

You said I would fuck you and never talk to you again. I did talk to
you though. Despite the fact that I let you leave my house w/o getting
your number.

You didn't even offer your number. Guess Orlando wouldn't have liked
that, huh? Lol you a wild chick.

I still got them digits though. Found out you were a lil popular @
WSSU. We spoke briefly the next semester before the Aggie-Ram game but
circumstances prevented me from seeing you the day of.

Its all for the best though.

Best case scenario: We would have fucked again, I still moved back to
MD, and you become just another FB friend and a place to stay if I'm
in NC and you don't have a boyfriend.

Thanks anyway Courtney.

You're the body that I can't remember but I'll never forget.

Andre.

One Year Later...

So it's been a year since I wrote this note on Facebook about the Nov 4, 2008 election. A lot of yall didn't know me back then, but anywho, Barack Obama was declared President-Elect @ 11 pm on 11/4/2008...this is how I felt @ 4:28 am 11/5/2008. See if you feel/felt the same way.



The New Independence Day
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Wednesday, November 5, 2008 at 4:28am | Edit Note | Delete
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I'm not ever at a computer long enough to write a note. But I can't sleep and I have this cool new phone that lets me type quickly...

The magnitude of the 2008 Presidential Election won't be fully appreciated by our generation. At least not yet. It is greatly appreciated at the moment...and most likely there will be several mixtapes that mention President-Elect Obama sometime this week.

But I never experienced the genuine HATE that was aimed at my grandmother who grew up in NC in the 40's, or the struggles of my grandfather, an immigrant from Aruba in the 50's.

And I've never been denied a job or paid a lower wage based on the color of my skin the way my parents did growing up in New York in the 60's and 70's

But the day we sit down with our future children (or current children...some of yall despise condoms) and tell them about November 4th, 2008...and there is NO LIMIT to what they can accomplish and NO EXCUSE to not be a SUCCESS...we may begin to fully appreciate what happened.

Or maybe at Thanksgiving dinner 2047, when we listen to our children tell their children what happened...and how their mom or dad was a part of history (HIS STORY...GOD'S STORY)...maybe then, we can fully grasp this ''CHANGE'' concept.

The emotion that we feel/felt...is the greatest joy that a lot of us have ever felt.

But it's nothing compared to the way our grandparents feel...or the way we will feel when we realize all of THIS...whatever ''THIS'' is...led to the beginning of a new era.

The day when EVERY PERSON with an OUNCE of AFRICAN BLOOD went to sleep with a little bit more SWAG than they woke up with.

I'm running out of shit to say and most likely yall won't even read this. But I'll click this ''publish'' button anyway.

Just remember these two things...

I'm not predicting anything bad is gonna happen...but be cautious. Especially in the South.

and...

''This victory is not the change we seek but only an opportunity to obtain the change we seek''...or something like that.

Intoxicated Thoughts...Perfect Grammar And Spelling. 10 Random Thoughts. Maybe More, Maybe Less...I'm Drunk, Remember?

I've been drinking since about 7:30 and it will be 11:10 by the time I get to the period at the end of this sentence.

My mom finally called me out on my drinking. She says that she can tell when I'm drunk based on the fact that I try to hold detailed "normal" conversations w/ her, which is something I NEVER do. She also says she can hear my off-beat footsteps when I come in late at night...something that she says reminds her of Andre Warner Sr...my dad.

I've tried to deny for the last 6 or 7 years that I would be like my dad. I've tried to be the opposite. But it's his Y chromosome that I have. And I can't escape it. I drink and I'm addicted to the opposite sex. I have some of his positive qualities too, but it's the negatives I've tried to avoid.

Currently watching the Lakers-Rockets game...I want there to be a Lakers-Cavs Finals...but for some reason I doubt that happens. LeBron and Kobe are future hall of famers. But one of them has already reached their prime...already reached their God-given potential...already earned their last ring...

I'm kinda in a rush to finish this blog post. So it won't be a very good one. Sorry.



OMG...I saw the Rihanna nude pics. I did NOT know she had a body like that. I LOVE her body type. Small frame, hourglass shape. *imagination running WILD*

The bathroom Rihanna took the pics in is HUGE.

I'm NOT a virgin. As much as I try to make my sexuality seem like a joke...it hasn't worked. And for some reason, the more I try to get my "good guy" image back, the more it doesn't work. I can't even PRETEND to be good. I'm going to put a link to this blog on Facebook...and at least 3 of them(girls I've had sex w/) will read this and say to themselves "DEFINITELY NOT". Yes, I've had sex w/ more than 3 people...more than 3 times 3. More than 3 times the square root of...never mind...that's not important.

I typed that w/o really thinking...but I've managed to get to this point w/o any major backspacing. Even though I backspaced 3 times just on this segment alone. Make that 5. Twice on that last sentence. Now it's 6. My fingers are moving faster than my brain. Now it's 10 backspaces.

I'm done. No good can come out of this. Just wanted the world to know I haven't forgotten about Blogspot. Gotta go to bed now...work in the a.m.

Nite kids...

Rap Lyrics Revised: Renegade-Jay-Z ft. Eminem...FYI: This Probably Won't Rhyme. Verse 1.

The following presentation is a translation...if you will...of the lyrics to the song Renegade...lol. This serves no particular purpose. I just felt like doing it. That's just how I roll.




You people
Say that I am not wise, I only discuss matters involving jewelry.
Do you unwise people understand music or do you not comprehend it?
I am influenced by the poverty that you exacerbated.
The same person you gave nothing was able to overcome by doing what one was most capable of in the most thorough manner possible.
I am a reporter of current events told from the view of the impoverished.
An unorthodox individual
You have were previously frightened and remain so.
I have infiltrated popular culture and served as a liason to the poor neighborhoods
Where they sell stolen toasters and they live w/ their maternal parent
And have lost their weapons due to a failed robbery attempt.
A young attractive female has been impregnated because of improper supervision
Abused by an unknown misfit. When child support announces their arrival
He claims to not be available to adhere to their requests.
Now how do you interpret this? Write it down.
I bring this through the impoverished neighborhoods without being in a moving vehicle or seeking refuge
Avoiding being penetrated by a stray bullet that was fired by a young person who does not wish to change their behavior. I just read a magazine that made my day unpleasurable.
How do you critique music that poor people with no belongings can relate to?
I guide them through this anomaly. You do not.
You are incapable of walking on the same path as me.
You are incapable of walking in the shoes that I own.
I am willing to wager all of your posessions that you will lose your tie and your shirt.

SAT Scores, DVRs, and Grannie Panties...

1. None of these 25 Randoms will have anything to do w/ what's in the title...

2. Out of boredom, I pretty much read everybody's 25(or more) Randoms. I was entertained.

3. I started to do another one of these the day after I wrote the first 25 Randoms. But it was too soon and it wouldn't have been random enough.

4. I have astigmatism...in one eye. Myopia(nearsighted) in the other eye. My right eye has always been retarded. But my left eye used to be perfect and it compensated for the other eye. But my right eye is like that friend that doesn't want you to succeed in life. So my left eye was diagnosed to be astigmatic as of 2/7/2009.

5. Something about a girl w/ red lipstick...it does things to me.

6. I'm cool enough to get to class 15 mins late and sit in the back and smart enough to already know what the teacher is talking about and raise my hand for every question.

7. I rarely use the word "swag". And I never use it in reference to myself. It's already been overused and fucked sideways. First of all, swagger is defined as having visible self-confidence. So by saying you have swag(ger)...you're defeating the purpose of the word. It's visible(not spoken) self-confidence(confidence within one's self). Meaning you should be self-confident and other people should notice w/o you telling them. Secondly, the definition doesn't mention anything about wardrobe. If you don't have swagger in some PJ pants and a small white tee, you don't have it at all.

8. At night I wear PJ pants and a small white tee...

9. I have THEEEE most watched status on FB. Not because people wanna know what I'm doing but because...

10. I'm fuckin hilarious.

11. Going to A&T was a decision that was made w/ the little head, not the big one. I went to homecoming when I was 16 and it was a rap after that...too much bait for me to say no. If I could do it all over I would have went to a CC and transferred.

12. I come from a long line of flirts...I'm a flirt. My father is a flirt. Both of my Grandfathers were flirts.

13. I was supposed to get skipped from 3rd grade to 5th...but I got suspended shortly after I was informed getting skipped was a possibility and the people in charge said I wasn't ready.

14. My neighbor got a dog named Hip Hop. And Hip Hop got hit by a car. They managed to salvage his mangled leg and now he walks w/ a limp. So the name was kind of ironic...

15. I make great drinks. I used to improvise w/ whatever I could get my hands on (i.e. an Everclear Pina Colada) Then my bartending roommate put me on w/ other things. Then when I turned 21 and started buying my own liquor, I became an alcohol scholar. There's a Voss bottle in my profile pictures album w/ my signature drink...the 223 D. Named after the apt I created it in...

16. My best friend is my cousin Rashaad. He's the only person in the world who knows EVERYTHING about me. My next tier of best friends are Minnie J, Simms, Jessy J(even though I see her like twice a year), Dawson, D. Charles, J. Powell, Jay, and Russ.

17. I'm more than halfway through this and I don't feel like doing it anymore. But I've been typing this for about 15 mins now and I would hate for that to be a waste of time.

18. Some people hate PDAs(Public Displays of Affection)...I'm indifferent. You won't ever catch Andre Warner kissing or holding hands in public or changing my FB status every time I go on a date. But when other people do it, it doesn't bother me. But like I said...some people hate it. Mainly cuz it's annoying.

19. I say "But ummm...yea" a lot. In texts and in real life.

20. The way I write is the way I talk.

21. I don't have an accent. Sometimes I'll tell people I'm from Oregon and they believe me.

22. I'm an independent person...I don't like having to depend on anybody. If I know I can do something myself, I'll do it myself. I moved in and out of 3 apartments by myself.

23. I go to the club myself sometimes too. Or if I do go w/ a group, I'm still gonna go on a solo mission once I'm in there.

24. I cant think of anything to say for number...

25.